| I promised myself I'd never blog again, but I felt a need to.
Nobody has to read this... but you are welcome  So, right now I am at school. I was at Hofstra for a year, but it wasn’t my cup of tea. I’m at SUNY Old Westbury now. Anyway, right now I’m in the library. Normally, this time of day would be spent at Antoine’s apartment but he’s on spring break right now. Lately, things have been very up and down in my life. My mom is going through something that I really shouldn’t tell anyone about. Moreso because I’m embarrassed than anything else … family issues are just running rampant. I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided to live in NY at my grandmas house. It’s NOT EASY. I get virtually everything for free. I mean, I do pay my own bills and everything, but if I don’t want to pay for food, I don’t have to. I just eat their food. But BOY do I have to answer to them for EVERYTHING. There is a huge chapter of my life that I am worried about right now. I am just too young to be dealing with so much stress … and I know that this is just impeding me and making it impossible for me to get done with anything. It will just HAVE to be cut out... I am a person who doesn’t like to answer to anyone, and I love independence to a degree. I’m what you call a young adult. It’s an annoying stage. I hate people doing random things for me that are helping me in no way, shape, or form ... just to be doing something for me. I'm not lazy. I like to work for everything that I have. I bought my first expensive handbag, and I know that I WORKED for it. I REALLY WORKED. I hate it when people buy me things for NO REASON. If I have money, I'll buy it. I don't like to give people the satisfaction of knowing that they bought me something. Then, if the person is cocky, they'll have this fixation that if they didn't buy me dinner, I would be hungry. OR if they didn't give me a ride, I'd be stranded. I like to let people know that everything they can do for me, I could do for myself. I hate it when I’m on the phone and there is a person in the background asking me who the hell I’m on the phone with. CAN YOU MIND YOUR BUSINESS??! If I want you to know, I'll tell you. Don't think because I'm in your house or living with you that I have to answer to you because I'm not a child. I hate coming home late and being asked where I was. I WAS OUT MINDING MY BUSINESS. I'M ALMOST 20 YEARS OLD. CAN I HAVE A TINY BIT OF PRIVACY??? The thing is that I have never been and never will be a problem child. So I don’t understand why I can’t have the freedom I so richly deserve to do what the hell I want to do! And all I want to do is go to church, go to school, and go to work without being questioned every step of the way. Anyway, in other news, I watched this show last night (“The Secret Lives of Women”) about cutting and the women showed their cuts and … oh my goodness, it was actually refreshing. And so much of me yearned to go back. My scars are FINALLY gone (well they are VERY HARD TO SEE) because the last time I cut was 11th grade. I punch myself now, I throw my phone, I scream into my pillow, I cry. It’s only therapeutic when Antoine is not around because he will want to help. And of course I appreciate “help” but if you’ve ever been in the situation before, you will know why it is annoying. But you don’t push away people who love you so I just let it be and I tell him that nothing is wrong. When really, most of the time, I just want to go back. And watching that program didn’t make it any easier for me. But I guess it would be stupid to start now. I can’t cut my arms anymore because during the summer, I will have to show my arms when I wear dresses, etc. and so it wouldn’t be a good idea. I hate it when people find out things like that ... people who have been through nothing that you have been through, and they try to tell you what is and isn't good for you. WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP AND GO TO HELL? YOU HAVE NEVER CUT YOURSELF. YOU DON'T KNOW THE BEAUTY & THE PAIN OF WHAT I GO THROUGH. SO JUST SHUT UP AND MIND YOUR BUSINESS. I hate it when people pretend to be experts on things they have no idea about. Sometimes, I just want to know what my outlet is. I pray and pray, but it never gets me anywhere. I can’t pray for too long when I’m depressed. When I’m going through problems with money or family, I can pray and I know that my prayers will be answered. When other people are going through things, I pray for them. When I’m depressed, though, I can’t do that. I just cry … and hit things … and scream … and smack or punch myself … until I feel better. That’s it. It’s sad. You are never really cured of it unless it takes your life. I don’t really want it to go to that extreme, but I’ve weighed my options and if I have to go this long with no release, I’m bound to snap. Every time I see pictures of all of my friends together, it makes me cry. I’m never in the pictures. I never get to see anyone. And to me, it's like they're all happy without me. People don't need me in their lives to have fun. I don’t get to hang out with the people who I care about from home. My stupid spring break isn’t at the same time as everyone else’s. And on average, I work so much or at such weird intervals and so I leave my social life lacking. There are people who I still talk to on the phone or online and haven’t seen in person since GRADUATION. THAT IS SAD. And thinking about it gets me depressed. I don’t have my license yet. I took the stupid test 3 times and failed every time. And I failed more and more every time. The first time, I just sucked. I was really good at parallel parking and the 3-point turn but I sucked at DRIVING. The second time, I REALLY MESSED UP the parallel parking because I didn’t know how to back up. Then, I took it a third time, and I think the woman was PMS-ing because she pretty much failed me on the spot. I told my grandma that time that I don’t think I’m cut out for it. The truth is that if I were in MD, I would have my license by now. It’s really hard to get your license in NY because the road test is ACTUALLY on the road. IN TRAFFIC. WITH EXPERIENCED DRIVERS. It’s NOT EASY. So I try not to get discouraged, but every time I’m at a bus stop freezing or walking home in the dark, every time Antoine comes to pick me up from somewhere, every time I see people my age and younger driving I get DEPRESSED. My parents didn’t have the money for it while we were in MD and it was so much easier, so now I’ve paid over $350 for mediocre training and I still don’t think I’m ready almost a year later! I’m going to see my father’s side of the family this summer in Texas. I don’t think I’m ready, but if not now … when? I’m not ready to tell people I am just now meeting that I love them. I don’t. I may like them a lot. They may have exemplary personalities. But I don’t love them … I love the family that has been there for me all of my life that I already know. But I refuse to believe they purposely didn’t contact me for so many years and that is the only reason why I am agreeing to see them and talk to them. STILL … I’m SCARED. Well, this is definitely long enough. <333 |
